Flying
Face-First
into the
Culture War

by Chip Foxx

CLOCKWISE FROM LEFT:
(1) my next face, borrowed from liberal traitor
George Clooney,
(2) my face since 2002- borrowed from BBC anchor
Nik Gowing, and
(3) my original face, as seen at the 2001 Peabody Awards (where I was holding a friend's award, which somehow got mistaken as mine)

In the coming months and years, the conservative movement will face some of its biggest challenges ever.
The 2008 Presidential Election is still anybody's game, and the stakes are nothing short of the survival of our great nation in an increasingly hostile world.
In this time of chaos and confusion, Americans are being bombarded with unregulated propaganda from cable infotainment, internet blogs and pirate radio stations.
What can one do to hold the public's fickle attention these days, when the loudest voice seems to win?
What do you do when everybody's too busy watching their favorite actor chip in his two-cent sound-bite to learn the real nuances of an argument?
You can beat them at their own game.
That is why I am taking the next two weeks off to have my face surgically altered to look like George Clooney's captivating visage.
To some, I know, this may seem a bit extreme.
Well, we live in extreme times.
Unfortunately, the liberal intelligencia in this "LOOK AT ME!" culture have monopolized the debate with attractive celebrities.
That stops now.
Don't worry, Foxx Dossier listeners- I will not be altering the silky-smooth timber you've come to love and trust.
That would just be silly.
For my fans that came on board after 2002, I know that this will be a bit of a transition.
My older fans recall that this isn't the first time I've had facial reconstructive surgery.
After 9/11, I knew America needed a news anchor who projected more integrity, more gravitas.
So, I had plastic surgery to make me look like the formidable BBC anchor Nik Gowing.
As my lawyers so aptly pointed out, he wasn't using his face on this continent.
In the past five years, I believe Gowing's face has helped my viewers and readers get through many troubled times.
But times are changing.
This election season, when talking heads like Clooney spew their liberal propaganda , I'll be there to cancel it out with rugged good looks and -oh, yeah- the truth.
I don't want any of my fans to worry- I'll have the best care money can buy.
I've decided to go with the finest plastic surgeon in Asia- Dr. Haki Sung Hu.
Dr. Sung Hu is an expert at recreating celebrity faces, and only deals with the most elite clientele.
(Though much of his work is confidential, I hear I swiped his last appointment before he transformed a certain North Korean dictator into a short Tom Cruise.)
Furthermore, Dr. Sung Hu is a fan, so he agreed to do the procedure for free.
All I have to do is fly out to Saipan, where I also have a lucrative textile factory, to get my Clooneyesque facelift at the North Mariana Islands Medical Center.
So, while I'm sure you'll miss me during the next two weeks, know that I'll be you're best looking cultural warrior upon my return.